How do We Love Forever

How do we love forever? Do you want a love relationship with a solid chance of lasting for as long as you do? It seems to be a common desire that we want a love that will last. In Part 1 we discussed what love is, if you missed it, click here.

Before we take that concept from Part 1 of agape and make it practical, let’s take apart some ideas about love that need to die.

“The One”

He’s the one or she’s the one is a common how do we love forever idea.

It tells us that if we find this special “one” and “fall in love” with them, then it will all work out.

Is it true?

Well, maybe.

Then again, probably not.

First, why it doesn’t generally work out.

The One embodies the feeling of strong attraction and mutual compatibility that we noted in Part 1 is actually a brain chemical/hormonal response. That only last a short time. If your relationship is based on chemicals, it is based on something very temporary.

You need more than brain chemistry to answer that how do we love forever question.

Soul Mate, Best Friend?

Do not be deceived, these are just different variations on the one idea. Both of these mistakenly assert that because you are getting along so well right now that you have answered the how do we love forever question forever.

Further, present compatibility and enjoyment early in a relationship overlooks the reality of an essential human truth.

You may in any relationship get along fantastically and really enjoy each other. That’s great.

But is it enough for the future?

Change and How Do We Love Forever?

One certainty about that person you get along so well with and who seems so perfect is this: They. Will. Change.

They will change.

Know what else?

You. Will. Change.

If you meet in your late teens, there will be a brain change as your prefrontal cortex matures. Each of you will gain more control over your emotions (you certainly hope, right?) and will become more serious and likely less spontaneous.

If you get together and have a child, another massive change happens. The woman will be bonded to her child with some of the same chemicals/hormones that bonded her to her husband/lover. This unavoidably changes the loyalties in the relationship.

It’s not a bad thing, but if you are married because you loved the feeling of falling in love (the chemical experience) and think that the feeling actually is love — you will be hurting and feeling betrayed.

If you make it through the childbearing years, the hard years of keeping a roof over your heads (and it is very hard these days) and the nagging feeling of being unappreciated by both partners gives the relationship a whole different feel.

Each person will likely perceive themselves to be neglected and will tend to respond in kind. I call this “transactionalisim”; in other words, if you are good to me then I’ll be good to you. This is also called reciprocity.

But if you are trying to figure out how do we love forever, transactionalism and reciprocity do not work well.

Mid-Life Crisis Change

As if all that were not enough, the years between the early 40s’ and mid-50’s gift us another challenge.

The hormones that have largely defined us in our early years begin a precipitous decline. Primarily testosterone for men and estrogen in women decline, and that is an especially traumatic change.

Even though people have been going through this for the entire history of humanity, it still catches most of us off guard.

Wanna not be caught unaware and unprepared by mid-life crisis? Wanna know how do we love forever so well that you cannot be knocked off track?

You have to go back to what we mentioned in Part 1 and take the long view of life.

You must seek ought a Rabbi or two (a wise spiritual person who is a bit ahead of you in life, see my book Freefall: God’s Path to Courage and Boldness for how to select and walk with a Rabbi) and listen to their wisdom (the long view of life with God).

Then communicate regularly with your partner as you approach these times of change and be ready for it.

My wife and I did that. We are in year 40 of a great marriage. How do we love forever? It takes a tight relationship with God, His Word, and a strong connection with other children of God–especially someone who has sought wisdom and is ahead of you on the same journey.

So, How do We Love Forever?

First, understand that you are no accident.

You were not the result of some fortuitous and statistically impossible natural process. You are a precious creation of God, who actually existed prior to conception (see Jeremiah 1:5)!

You are made in the image of your Father God, and that means you have inherent inestimable value, always. You are so loved that the Father sent his Son to die for you.

If you want to increasingly and more fully grasp the love of God for you, get my book First-Person Messiah: Transforming Your Life through Amazing Encounters with Jesus.

Why are we talking about this?

Because it is, if you can fully accept this amazing love, the rock-solid basis for your ability to love someone truly and forever.

You cannot control someone else’s love for you, make no mistake.

But with God’s power working through you (See Ephesians 1:16-20) you can securely lay your life down in seeking the best interest of another person, no matter how you feel, and no matter how they respond to you.

This, is the answer to the “how do we love forever” question.

What Does Forever Love Look Like?

When you securely know that God adore you and that you are walking with him everywhere you go, it eliminates fear.

There is no fear in love, fore perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 Jn. 4:18)

If you are in a long-term, sexually involved, and opposite sex relationship, understand this.

God intends that this only happen in marriage.

I’m not down on you if you are not, but what I am saying is that God has great plans for your future, and living together without the covenant of marriage is a way of looking straight at the God who loves you and saying, “I do not trust you.”

Or, “I am smarter than you, God.”

Why the Covenant of Marriage Matters

The covenant of marriage and God’s indescribable love for you matters because you must have both.

You do have God’s love.

But you need the covenant.

One thing the covenant has always helped me with, and one of the reasons why I have laid hold of how do we love forever is this; I knew when I said my marriage vows something critical.

When we say our marriage vows, we are actually not primarily saying them to each other.

God established the marriage covenant, and he set the terms.

What are the terms? Here they are:

Leave father and mother.

Cleave to each other.

Be fruitful and multiply.

Submit to one another.

Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church. (Wow!)

Wives, respect your husbands.

Wives, submit to your husband’s leadership.

Every time my bride and I got sideways with each other, I could not escape the truth that I looked the God who gave me life and every good thing in the eyes and promised to keep all of that.

In sickness and in health.

In richness and poorness.

Till death parts us. (And no, murdering the other violates the love we promised to God Himself)